Study: White Men Cannot Jump
Los Angeles, CA -- A new study released today by The Institute of Sports Stereotypes has concluded that white men cannot jump, supporting the long held belief among those in the scientific community. This is startling news to the group of vocal supporters that insist on an alternative hypothesis that white men can and do jump, though for some as of yet unknown reason they mostly choose not to in public. This group, coined "Jumpers," has denounced the study as mere propaganda against the white basketball player.
"I'm still not buying it," says Pale Jumpers of America spokesman Chase Budinger. "We've seen time and time again these types of studies, and each time I go outside and perform a 360 dunk out of spite."
Despite the protests from Budinger's group and others just like it, the evidence in the report is damning. According to the study, an estimated 97% of white males cannot jump. That leaves deniers such as Budinger as outliers.
Reactions from the local players at Los Angeles' famous Venice courts finds mixed support for the findings.
"We've known for years that white dudes can't jump, " says Venice playground legend Sidney Deane. "The amount of money I've won off these cats trying to tell me they can dunk...man. Heck, I stopped even trying to throw alley-oops to my running mate Billy (Hoyle). Tired of watching that (expletive) sail over his stupid head."
We found Deane's two-on-two partner Hoyle, sitting on the bleachers with a colorful flippy ball cap on turned backwards.
"Yeah I heard about the study," says an incredulous Hoyle. "Don't mean nothing to me. I've dunked before, I'll dunk again. What, you don't believe me? I'll dunk it right now. Five hundred says I can dunk right now on this court."
Despite Hoyle's protests, the stigma will remain. The Institute says it will now move on to study the dunking ability of dogs first proposed by Air Bud, as well as ongoing research on young kids developing major league caliber pitching ability after breaking their arms.
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